It is very difficult to articulate the feelings and emotions that I felt on Friday, the one year anniversary of Kaitlyn's death. I wasn't sure how I would react or what specifically I would react to. Would it be the day in general? Would it be the memories of how it happened? Would it be memories of her funeral? I just didn't know what to expect.
I woke up and knew the significance of the day and felt a "dark cloud" over me but I wasn't upset... yet. I decided to stay home with Cole and spend the day together and meet Chip at Kaitlyn's grave site later that day to place a special heart-shaped floral arrangement on her grave.
During the morning hours though, I found myself starting to "busy" myself... cleaning the kitchen, starting laundry, picking toys up and doing a lot of random activities to keep my mind off the obvious. That didn't work. The closer the clock got to 12:34pm, the very minute Kaitlyn died, the more anxious and overwhelmed I got.
Being that Kaitlyn passed away at home, I felt the flood of emotion and memories resurface. I felt a heavy weight on my heart and shoulders. A sadness of not being able to hold her or see her smile. It is still surreal that she isn't here. Part of me feels like it was yesterday and another part feels like it was forever ago.
Around 12:25pm - 12:35pm, I spent some alone time at the very spot where she passed away, in the master bedroom. I felt closer to her there than I did at her grave site later that day. I cried tears that no parent should ever have to cry. But oddly at 12:35pm, it was over and I was "okay".
We met at Kaitlyn's grave and I sat with Cole and said a prayer to God thanking Him for Kaitlyn and the time that we got to spend with her. We know that she is in the best hands possible now and that one day we will see her again.
I would be lying if I didn't say that the whole weekend was up and down emotionally for me. It would mean the world to me if you could keep us in your prayers as we move forward in our lives but at the same time keeping Kaitlyn in our hearts. It is a difficult concept to grasp for me... trying to be happy but grieving at the same time. The grief never ends, it just changes.
On Friday evening, I invited everyone to light a candle for Kaitlyn at 8pm and say a prayer for those children with Niemann-Pick Disease and the families who persevere through it all.
I was blown away at the response and the photos that were posted of all the candles lit in memory of Kaitlyn. I also chuckle a little because anything having to do with Kaitlyn, whether she is with us on Earth or in Heaven, is a big deal. She WAS born in Texas after all... everything is bigger in Texas... bows... hair... :) She made a Texas sized impact on the lives of all of you and a year later, it was so amazing for me to see that she is still doing God's work. I am so proud of you Kaitlyn!
Check out my Facebook page and the event page to see some of the amazingly beautiful images from Friday's candle lighting around the world!
Click here for my Facebook page.
Click here for the event page.
I woke up and knew the significance of the day and felt a "dark cloud" over me but I wasn't upset... yet. I decided to stay home with Cole and spend the day together and meet Chip at Kaitlyn's grave site later that day to place a special heart-shaped floral arrangement on her grave.
During the morning hours though, I found myself starting to "busy" myself... cleaning the kitchen, starting laundry, picking toys up and doing a lot of random activities to keep my mind off the obvious. That didn't work. The closer the clock got to 12:34pm, the very minute Kaitlyn died, the more anxious and overwhelmed I got.
Being that Kaitlyn passed away at home, I felt the flood of emotion and memories resurface. I felt a heavy weight on my heart and shoulders. A sadness of not being able to hold her or see her smile. It is still surreal that she isn't here. Part of me feels like it was yesterday and another part feels like it was forever ago.
 |
| Last year at her memorial service |
Around 12:25pm - 12:35pm, I spent some alone time at the very spot where she passed away, in the master bedroom. I felt closer to her there than I did at her grave site later that day. I cried tears that no parent should ever have to cry. But oddly at 12:35pm, it was over and I was "okay".
We met at Kaitlyn's grave and I sat with Cole and said a prayer to God thanking Him for Kaitlyn and the time that we got to spend with her. We know that she is in the best hands possible now and that one day we will see her again.
I would be lying if I didn't say that the whole weekend was up and down emotionally for me. It would mean the world to me if you could keep us in your prayers as we move forward in our lives but at the same time keeping Kaitlyn in our hearts. It is a difficult concept to grasp for me... trying to be happy but grieving at the same time. The grief never ends, it just changes.
On Friday evening, I invited everyone to light a candle for Kaitlyn at 8pm and say a prayer for those children with Niemann-Pick Disease and the families who persevere through it all.
I was blown away at the response and the photos that were posted of all the candles lit in memory of Kaitlyn. I also chuckle a little because anything having to do with Kaitlyn, whether she is with us on Earth or in Heaven, is a big deal. She WAS born in Texas after all... everything is bigger in Texas... bows... hair... :) She made a Texas sized impact on the lives of all of you and a year later, it was so amazing for me to see that she is still doing God's work. I am so proud of you Kaitlyn!
Check out my Facebook page and the event page to see some of the amazingly beautiful images from Friday's candle lighting around the world!
Click here for my Facebook page.
Click here for the event page.
What a beautiful and emotional post DeAnna..I keep you, Chip and Cole in all my prayers..God Bless you all.. <3
ReplyDeleteMy family thought about, prayed for and lite a candle for Kaitlyn and your family friday evening. You all will be in my prayers and Kaitlyn will live in our hearts forever. Thanks so much for sharing her with us. Love always...
ReplyDeleteKaitlyn will always be in my heart. It is weird not knowing her personally but I felt connected to her. She touched me in such a way that it is hard to explain. I do miss her too.
ReplyDeletePenny
sending you and your sweet family so much love. I am so sorry you lost your baby. xoxo ,Chelsea
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are always in my thoughts, Deanna. Kaitlyn will always be a part of so many lives. Sending love to you and yours...
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear that you all shared time together. Ill continue to pray for each one of you.
ReplyDeleteStill think of you all often. Hope you are well!
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