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Monday, February 6, 2012

The Road to Now

Many people have commented on the blog, Facebook, emails or in letters on how strong we are and how amazed they are at our faith. It wasn't always like that. I want to share with you a little bit of how we have come to be who we are now and how all of you have helped us get here. Trust me when I say, from the day of diagnosis to now, it has been the most difficult time in our lives. 

About a week before being diagnosed


There are many things that happen in our lives and we ask ourselves why? why me? why us? I used to be that person.

When we first got Kaitlyn's diagnosis when she was about 9 months old, I was devastated (She's now 2 1/2). She was our miracle baby. We had three miscarriages between 2007 and 2008 and were one month away from doing IVF, when we got pregnant with Kaitlyn. She was an answer to our prayers; a true miracle and gift from God.

A week old

After everything that we went through with the miscarriages and then being elated to have a "healthy" child. When we got the diagnosis, I was crushed and baffled at the same time. How could this happen? 1 in a million chance?!

Friday we got her diagnosis and Saturday we didn't know what to do, so we went to the zoo

At the zoo- looks like the bird is on my head!















I often found myself wondering, what good could come from three miscarriages and now... our miracle child has an "average age of death between two and four years old". In my mind- NOTHING.

As many of you have read in the past, the day before we got Kaitlyn's diagnosis, we found out that we were pregnant with Cole. Another question was- does our unborn child also have NPA? Will he die "between the age of two and four years old"?  Will both of our children be gone and we will be left in despair? He was tested at birth and does not have NPA but IS a carrier like Chip and I.

October 2010- Kaitlyn sitting on Cole (baby bump)
We used to be very involved in our church in Texas. We were small group leaders for middle school kids and involved in our HomeTeam. With Kaitlyn's diagnosis, it was easy to "not be up for going to church".

Hanging out with our HomeTeam friends before we left Texas



They even had a surprise 1st birthday party for Kaitlyn before we moved!


I was so angry I couldn't even look at a cross or go to church. It just made me angrier. After we moved from Texas to North Carolina, to be closer to family, I wouldn't put up any of our christian home decor. I didn't want to look at the beautiful framed cross or see any positive verses or hear people saying "everything happens for a reason" or "trust in God" or "maybe there will be a cure". How could I? I was beyond furious at God.

I never stopped believing in God but I was beyond angry at Him.

Despite my anger, I treasured every day that I had with Kaitlyn and I still do. Every morning, I would think, "What would make Kaitlyn happy today?" When Cole was born, I saw their interaction and felt love.

Seeing Cole for the first time

Proud Big Sister!

Over time, a quote that I often thought of was... "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I was strong because Kaitlyn needed me to be and Cole needed me to be.

My faith turned a corner when we started this blog and started sharing Kaitlyn's story on Facebook. I started receiving messages about how Kaitlyn changed their perspective on life or that they are more thankful for their children after reading about Kaitlyn.

I started to realize that God had planned ALL OF THIS. Little things like the fact that I was pre-med in college and took medical terminology, anatomy, physiology, and got my EMT certification hit me that there was a reason for it. I was and am better able to understand the doctors and all of their medical jargon. I can respond in emergency situations like an EMT would and stop being "mom" and think "assess the situation", ABCs (Airway, Breathing, Circulation, etc.). I used to be frustrated that all of my pre-med classes were now considered my "electives" because I decided not to go to medical school. Ugh- organic chemistry, physics! I stayed in the healthcare field because I loved it, but I wanted to have a family and I didn't want to be on call all the time. God was preparing me for Kaitlyn, even over 10 years before she was born.  

June 2011


I was depressed and had anxiety while we were going through our miscarriages and still deal with depression and anxiety every day. I do, however; feel that having gone through three miscarriages made me have the ability and strength to imagine a life different than what I always imagined. I went to a counselor in Texas who had lost one of her twins at birth and learned about "alternate realities". Being able to even fathom or accept that life might be different than what you had always planned or envisioned. Trying to imagine a life without our own biological children and adopting children that need loving parents instead. It really helped us. I feel that it has helped us with Kaitlyn's diagnosis and knowing that she will be gone one day but that it is okay.

August 2011- at the hospital


I kid you not when I say that there were a number of days in the past few months where I received over 200 emails a day from people who were praying for Kaitlyn and their children were praying for Kaitlyn. It opened my eyes to how our precious daughter was changing people's hearts and lives. I know you have probably heard me say this before but even if it's just for a moment while you are reading the blog that Kaitlyn's story is touching your heart or making you feel differently about your life and the way that you lead it or whether it's for a day or a week or forever. She is making and has made a difference. More than I could ever have imagined. This is why she is here... to touch your heart, to make a difference, to make you realize what is most important to you, to see the goodness in others and have faith that there IS a reason, even if we don't understand why or can't see it at the time. 

Christmas 2011- One of my favorite pictures ever!

Don't get me wrong. I am not happy that Kaitlyn has NPA nor do I wish this on anyone. I will be beyond devastated when Kaitlyn passes away. Kaitlyn IS however a blessing from God sent here to touch others' hearts. So many people read our blog and feel so sad and yes it is terrible that she has to go through this but look at ALL the good that she has done! And she is only 2 1/2 years old! Now I feel so thankful that God chose us to be Kaitlyn's parents. To allow us to give her a voice and make such an impact in this world. Kaitlyn is a miracle and was created perfectly in the image of God.

Yesterday with Daddy


Please do not feel sorry for us for we are the lucky ones.

58 comments:

  1. I'm so thankful that you and Chip have found peace and purpose. I cannot share that because when I see children suffer, my outlook and perspective are 180 degrees from yours. While I will never be able to see a "purpose," I hope your family always find solace in your faith. Kaitlyn was born an angel.

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  2. Deanna and chip,
    I know this is a devastating time for you but I can say I know somewhat what you are feeling. My neice was diagnosed with nieman pick type a as well and passed away and we were crushed. We also found out that my nephew was also diagnosed with it as well. I was also very mad at god for letting faith go but I also had to imagine the pain she was going through and I just couldn't fathom it! And now I say this, you and chipp are amazing parents and yall are doing exactly what she needs. By the way I am Lori robbins sister. I continue to pray for you, Cole, kaitlyn, and chipp and your family as I pray for mine. Just keep smiling and know that my family is here for you. Love always,
    Haleigh Gunter, Georgia

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  3. Deanna

    This was truly a beautiful post. You are an inspiration for all parents

    Sarah Cochran

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  4. You take my breath away. Kaitlyn looks so much like you, she truly has the face of an angel.

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  5. You are absolutely an inspriation for all parents. God bless you and your family. Kaitlyn is an amazing little girl!!!!

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  6. Deanna and Chip - It is impossible to feel sorry for you. What is possible is to emphathize, to share your pain in ways that we who do not know you but follow your blog did not know we could. Your are right, Deanna. Kaitlyn has and continues to touch so many souls in so many ways. I continue to to admire your strength and even more your conviction to God's purpose for you in this life. We continue to pray for peace and comfort for Kaitlyn, Deanna, Chip and Cole. Kaitly surely sails on a sea of love each and every day. Please know that we will be with you throughout this journey and beyond.

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  7. your family is remarkable and i thank you for sharing kaitlyn with all of us. she has truly changed how i parent - i hold my son a little longer, snuggle him a little more, and try to be more patient because i know life can be fleeting. as a mother, you have inspired me to live each day in the moment and to be grateful for the time we have. what a gift you have in kaitlyn...what a gift we all have in your sweet girl.

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  8. Amazingly beautiful and something I have discussed privately in my own home time again, but would never say. You admitted my thoughts. Sure there are the 'why' questions but no matter what I truly believe Kaitlyn (and you) have always had a purpose, someone to reach out too, a road less traveled but you define it! My boys and I often talk of Kaitlyn, they lack a lot of memory of events but they do remember her bday party last year. Your sweet baby touched mine, 2 kids who the doctors say lack emotional connection yet they always think of her and ask how the Princess is doing. You guys are amazing in just teaching and showing the world about humanity and a rekindled passion for love...all before the age of 3! Hugs to you guys!

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  9. Isaiah 40:31
    but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
    Thank you for bringing my relationship with God back to the forefront. I pushed Him aside a long time ago when my little brother almost died. The Why, the how could You, the what has he done to you anger was too strong and loud for a middle school kid. I grew distant. I knew & know that he has always been there continuing to guide me but it took your blog, your Kaitlyn, to allow me to face the pain and lack of trust in Him that I had buried for so long.
    That you for being like the verse and running "tirelessly" and soaring on wings like Eagles while sharing your journey.

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  10. Your family is an inspiration! My Lilly is almost the same age as Kaitlyn. She has had some health complications that in no way compare to your little angel but your story reminds me to never take her for granted. I continually pray for Kaitlyn and your family. May Jesus constantly embrace Kaitlyn and your family! Andrea Carr Bristol Tn

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  11. Wow! I just saw the Jesus in you through this blog writing. Blessings to you all!

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  12. YOU are amazing. Simply amazing.

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  13. All I can say is AMEN! You described everything so perfectly!! Life with a NPD child is a rollercoaster and a blessing. Our Zoe touched so many people in her short 2 1/2 years all over the world. I know Kaitlyn is doing the same thing. She is so precious! Your family is in our prayers!

    April Van Dyke
    Mommy to Angel Zoe (NPD A/B)

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  14. Deanna, I agree we are all so blessed and you are demonstrating how we all can open our own eyes to this!

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  15. Thank you for sharing your story. A real testimony to how life goes and how things will sometimes just not be what we invisioned as little girls growing up. I read about your life and I thank God for mine. And hope that if I am ever confronted by such devastation that I will stand strong with the Lord. As you do.

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  16. Deanna and Chip, I just wanted you to know that I am one of the people Kaitlyn's story has changed. Instead of getting frustrated and angry when my two very rambunctious, but healthy, boys are fighting over toys or what to watch on TV, I think of ya'll and I'm overcome with gratitude that my boys are healthy and able to fight with each other over the most minor of things. You all are in my prayers. Your strength and faith are an inspiration to so many!

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  17. Kaitlyn is a blessing that gives you unspeakable joy. She certainly inspires me. Sending prayers and hugs your way! God bless you!

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  18. Your family is a blessing to everyone who knows you and reads your blog. I am praying for you and your beautiful daughter constantly. If you have not, you should read the book "Heaven is For Real"- an amazing story and strengthened my Faith. Very powerful.

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  19. This was, again, inspirational to read and I continue to be grateful for all of you.
    Linda Dietz

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  20. You are so inspirational! You should not have the strength to console strangers. We should be lifting you up so that you can carry on for Kaitlyn & Cole, but everyday you are inspire, motivate and change lives! Thank you for being so strong and moving people with your passion for loving your children the way you and Chip do!

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  21. Thank you for sharing with us once again.
    May God continue to hold your family in the palm of his hand.
    A friend from TCPC

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  23. You are so right... Sweet Kaityln as touched many lives, even random people like me. I think about her every, single day and will stop and pray for her all the time. It's like I can't stop thinking about her. God is so evident and all of this and it is absolutely a testimony to why God let's things happen to our children. Even though it is our biggest "fear" to think our childrens' health and overall purpose for being here is most definitely not up to us. This is such a perfect example of that true and steadfast faith God asks of all of us. Although my heart is breaking for you all, I am so greatful to know about sweet Kaitlyn and will thank God for many years to come that she has touched my life.

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  24. wow Deanna - thank you for sharing your heart with us. You and Chip as well as Kaitlyn are an inspiration. Your transparency and honesty about what all you are facing guides me how to pray for you as we continue to do so.

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  25. I'm Kelly's mother in law. Your shares of Kaitlyn can't help but touch every heart that reads them. I believe with all my heart that God does not in any way sanction sickness and death. Diseases are a direct effect of sin which came from satan. I believe God does give us the strength and faith in Him to see us through horrid situations. I really find daily telling satan in every negative way possible how much I hate him... and the pain he causes, then follow that with praise to God for saving us from satan's power for all eternity , this really helps me keep life in perspective and ever aware of where our justifiable angry , heartbreak and pain really belong!Your family are in my prayers, that God will continue to keep your 'eyes on the prize'. To God be the Glory!!

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  26. God bless you and your family! Thanks for sharing your days. I keep checking in to see how she is doing and hope you are having many moments that you will remember your whole lives.

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  27. Deanna,
    I have been keeping up with your blog after Jenn McMinn posted it. Your story is absolutely amazing. Kaitlyn's story is a beautiful one. She has certainly educated me and my family and friends on the disease she is fighting! I have only recently started to try to find my way into Christ, and I pray each night for Kaitlyn and your family. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    Sincerely,
    Sara

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  28. All I can say is that I feel God is saving a very special place in Heaven for all of you. May you find peace in his love. God bless your family and may he guide you during your unimaginable journey.

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  29. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story, for sharing Kaitlyn, and for being such an inspirational example of allowing God's light to shine in the darkest of places. Susan Sutherland

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  30. All children are a blessing from God. To be entrusted to care for and guide them is such a blessing in itself. God choose you as the perfect parents for Kaitlyn and Cole. I have been following your blog for a little while now and my faith is being strengthened through your story. Prayers for your beautiful girl.

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  31. Watch over a little child to-night,
    Blest Savior from above,
    And keep her till the morning light
    Within Thine arms of love. Amen.

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  32. I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine God said
    For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead
    It may be six or seven years or forty two or three
    But will you 'til I call him back take care of him for Me
    He'll bring his ways to gladden you and should his stay be brief
    You'll always have his memories as a solace for your grief
    I cannot promise he will stay as all from earth return
    But there are lessons taught below that I want you all to learn
    I've looked this whole world over in My search for students true
    And from the folks that crown life's lane I have chosen you
    Now will you give him all your love nor think labor vain
    Nor hate Me when I come to take this lent child back again?
    I fancied that I heard them say Dear Lord Thy Will be done
    For all the joys Thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run
    We'll shelter him with tenderness we'll love him while we may
    And just for having loved him forever grateful stay.

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  33. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to understand our faith. In the mist of tradegy it's hard to be faithful and understand God's reasons for something He has given us. It's hard to pray and honor Him until our faith has grown. Kaitlyn has helped all of us understand a little more why we are here.

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  34. Thank you. All i can say is thank you for sharing your family's journey and for this post in particular. May God's grace and love continue to s how through you guys and affect all those you meet.

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  35. Our family keeps you in our prayers each day. Thank you for sharing your story. Kaitlyn has touched the hearts of so many. Her life is such a blessing! We'll continue our prayers for peace and comfort and your continued strength.

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  36. Just a quick note to let you know that a co-worker of mine just came by to say she had read your blog through my shared link on facebook. Yet another person that has been touched by Kaitlyn's story. I have never met your family but regularly read your blog and pray for you and sweet Kaitlyn every day. You are all amazing and are truly insprirational. You have changed my outlook as a parent to 2 young girls (I have a little Katelyn as well - 6 months). May God bless you and precious Kaitlyn during this difficult time.

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  37. Also just a quick note to say how amazing you and your family are! You are all in our prayers constantly (we have prayers all over the globe for you guys). You are an incredible inspiration to us all. Kaitlyn and your family have touched so many hearts. In Kaitlyn's 2 years she has touched more people than most do in a lifetime. Thank you for sharing your story. We will also continue to pray for peace and comfort for you all.

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  38. I am one of the many, many people Kaitlyn and your family has touched. Kaitlyn's story has indeed effected the way I see my own children each and every day and serves as an inspiration for how I want to carry out the rest of my life. In honor of Kaitlyn, I am going to be volunteering at my local children's hospital.

    May you continue to have peace and strength through this unimaginably difficult time.

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  39. Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through a divorce and every day is a struggle for me b/c I never thought this would happen, never thought my life would end up this way. Talking about how God prepared you for this before it happened made me realize the same thing. God prepared me to be able to do this on my own. My children and I keep you and your family in our prayers.

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  40. Over the past few weeks my family and I have been going through hard times, but they pale in comparison to the challenges you and yours are faced with. Coincidently, I found your blog through a friend about the same time my family troubles started. Your constant reminder to treasure what we have, treat every day as a blessing and show love daily have made an amazing impact on me. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and for doing so in such an honest and sincere way. While distance and circumstance may separate you from your blog followers, we all connect with you because of your willingness to let us in. I couldn't help but notice your son's pajamas in your family Christmas card - my 9 month old son is asleep in the next room wearing the exact same ones. We continue to pray for Kaitlyn's comfort as well as yours.

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  41. Your strength is endearing. As a parent of two little girls, my heart can not help but ache for you. You have two beautiful children and are so blessed. I feel blessed for being introduced to your blog. It has opened my eyes and has helped me to become less selfish, especially when it comes to my girls getting sick. I have learned to appreciate them so much more and whenever I feel myself getting upset with them for something silly or making myself upset worrying about what virus they may or may not catch, I think about you and Kaitlyn and find myself able to calm down and not get so upset, and not worry so much about them catching a cold. I can only hope that maybe someday I will have half the strength and courage that you and your family have. I can not thank you enough for sharing Kaitlyn and her story with us and the rest of the world. You are truly amazing. Thank you.

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  42. Praying in Kansas. Love to you all.

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  43. Your story is unbelievable! I have found your story on FB through our college friends at Wingate. We are praying for you and your story has truly touched me. We too have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Your story is reminding me that we need to stop and smell the flowers sometimes and be thankful for everything God has given us. I agree with you and believe that God has set you up to be Kaitlyn's parents. We are all so blessed that you have shared your story.

    Betsy and Brian White

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  44. God bless you and your entire family! Keep your faith, love, and family strong. You are such a testament, and i respect and admire you more than words can say. Keep fighting the good fight! I pray for you!

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  45. I stumbled upon your blog by complete accident. I am 25 and from Scotland... the other side of the world. I believe I was meant to come across this blog for a reason. I've just undergone major surgery on my leg after a car accident that nearly took my life. I have been feeling down and depressed about it all & I think I was meant to see this page to put things into perspective. I feel ashamed that I have been feeling hard done by and felt sorry for myself when your little girl shows such strength every day and you guys are beyond strong. I'm also a medium and I can connect with spirit. I can tell you since reading this blog all I can see is tiny little fairies dancing around with your daughter smiling at them. I sence that she is happy and you've not to be afraid or worry that she's in pain, She is well looked after and has an older lady who has past on watching over her every single day. I also see a blanket that has special significance. I understand that this is weird and your probably not sure how to take it but when I get a message I like to share it with whoever it's for. Also your daughter likes it when you sing. I will pray for your family & wish you all well, keep smiling Love L x

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  46. WOW is all i can say, i have 3 grandchildren. i am the mother of Jennifer and Mike Stults( jenn's momma). i can so relate to how you feel. it is devistating and rewarding at the same time. i cry with you and also rejoice at the same time, your daughter is beautiful. thank you for sharing her life with so many other people that read this blog.

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  47. Deanna and Chip,

    I don't know your family at all. Matter of fact, I just read your story for the first time. Although we have never met, as a parent, we connect on so many levels. I can only come so close in understanding the heartache you are going through. I had an ultrasound at 19 weeks with our third child. I had been through this twice before, so I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound nurse had me lying on the bed for over two hours. It was the scariest moment of my life when it comes to your (unborn) child. I was faced with having to make a choice. I chose life. I chose for him to live because God chose ME to be his mommy for a reason. Imagine not ever having Kaitlyn. Never having this story to tell about God's mercy and grace. I commend you for all you have endured, but along with that comes love and the happiness you are filled with when you look into her eyes. The satisfaction of knowing that God chose YOU and CHIP to be Kaitlyn's parents. I pray for you and your family. Angels do walk the earth to teach those of us who do not believe. Those of us who have yet to walk this journey with Christ. May he keep all of you in His loving arms and know that one day Kaitlyn will be free from all the pain and will one day take her place in Heaven and be amongst all the other angels. You are truly blessed and you both have a purpose. You both have been chosen to tell this incredible story of love. I will pray for you all. God bless you and your hearts.

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  48. Deanna and Chip,

    You and your family are a true testament of "agape" love. To share your painful, yet inspirational life with the public and to give God the glory for touching people through all you are going through - WOW! My prayers are with you all, and please give your little angel a hug and kiss for me! Lorrie Hatley

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  49. While my child is not terminal she is chronically ill with several systemic diseases. I can 100% relate to much of what you said. I am so pleased that you see why she was entrusted to you. I try hard to see little glimpses of God's plan, but rarely do I see other people that "get it". Yes, your child is a huge blessing to you and everyone that chooses to read your loving words. Thank you so much for sharing her story with the world. I will add Kaitlyn & your family to my prayer list. Also, have you ever heard the song "Hallelujah" by Heather Williams? If you have a spare minute, Google her, go to her page & listen to the song, then look for her story. And she still sings Hallelujah. Reading your story I thought of her. God bless!

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  50. I have been following your story for a while now. I am the mom of a disabled child. She spent her first 5 months in the hospital. I had the "why me" and "why her" thing badly. It took me about a year to really except what happened to her. Now I just feel blessed that God gave me such an amazing gift. I thank God everyday that I am her mother. Beautiful Kaitlyn really has touched my life. I think of her everyday and pray for her often. She truly is a bright light.

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  51. Amen! Just got goosebumps reading that story- you are exactly where you are suppose to be- it is all in the plan and seeing it in the proper, albeit heartbreaking, perspective gives you strenth. Kaitlyn is a candle- you will keep that flame burning as you educate others and help others who are in need. Whatever it is that touches each of us in a way that pushes us from what we thought would be a normal life, we learn about- probably more than any MD could learn about because it is personal, and then we go out and tell the story. I continue to pray for peace and comfort as you go forward.

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  52. I have read your blog for about 2 months now, hoping that some miracle would come along (here in Texas big things do happen). After reading the post today I cried. I don't know your family or have any idea what you must be going through. My youngest was misdiagnosed with CF when she was a baby so I know the feeling of know my daughter won't be here forever. You are amazing parents. Kaitlyn was blessed to have you as you were blessed to be her parents. The bows were gorgeous. The bigger the better, all girls need bows! I am very sorry for today but so happy she is in heaven now. She is smiling down on you with her love and one day she will be there to greet you with that beautiful smile. I also pray for peace and comfort to you. You have helped me to remember how I need to hug and kiss my girls everyday and let them know how much I love them. Kaitlyn reminded me that a child is not just a child, but a gift from God.

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  53. Thank you! I just watched your video, then visited your blog, and was devastated by the news that you had lost your daughter today. I am very sorry that that happened, and pray that you would be comforted and walked with. I was born with a cleft lip, and that means that my nose is crooked. I don't see how crooked it is when I look in a mirror, because I am used to what I see in the mirror; but if I look into two mirrors at 90 degrees to each other, rotated at 45 degrees relative to me, it is always a sobering reminder that, again, my nose is just plain crooked.

    When I was on a school bus one time, someone got on, looked at me, and said, "You're ugly." While that may have been a somewhat devastating comment (and there are others), I must say, my liver and spleen obviously stopped growing as they ought to have; and I might have taken that for granted until now - but I don't.

    In all honesty, I have not even been able to get married and have children quite yet (I'm 37); and I suppose that even having a face that is not quite exactly what a face usually is, might even have something to do with that. Either way, I have had challenges.

    But I can definitely say that I am soberingly reminded, again, that getting married and having children (God willing) will be a risk. Anything can happen. Miscarriages. Birth defects. Some eventually fatal. Thanks for sharing your heart. My prayers are with you, and I weep with you. "Put thou my tears into thy bottle - are they not all with thee." (Psalm 56)

    Love,

    Daniel

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  54. What a beautiful family you are. Godspeed! Hugs.

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  55. Kaitlyn, I knew of you through you grandma Jane. I know that your family is sad that you are gone in body but your spirit will live forever. I hope you are having the time of your life running and playing in the streets of gold and watching over your family until you once again will be with them.
    Susan Currence
    Rock Hill, SC

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  56. I don't know you, I didn't have the honor of meeting you or your daughter, but your story has changed my life. I see things very differently now and I owe you so very much. Thank You so very much. God bless your family and know that she is with you always.

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  57. Beautiful!!!!! She is so loved!

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  58. I am currently waiting to get results for my 11 month old daughter. They believe she may have a rare genetic disease. Thank you for sharing your story.

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