2012

The single most difficult year of my life. It has also been the most life changing for me, personally. I have grown in my faith and in the way I live my life so significantly that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having gone through this most horrendous and beautiful year.

Sleeping Beauty (January 2012)

Holding my sweet girl (January 2012)

Precious awake time (February 2012)

From January to March 2012, I spent every second I could with my daughter, Kaitlyn.
I was by her side as she fought an unimaginable disease that took her life on March 22nd at 12:34pm. I also felt God's immense presence in our lives during quiet moments lying next to her as she and/or I slept.

Sleepy Girls (February 2012)

Happy Dreams! (February 2012)

Flowers and Butterflies (March 2012)

God wrapped His arms around us and gave us the opportunity to turn our nightmare into His work. Kaitlyn changed lives. She was here for a reason and God used her to reach into the hearts of thousands across the world. He is still using her here for good.

Many people across the world released balloons for Kaitlyn on her birthday

Butterfly release

Kaitlyn's 3rd Birthday

After she passed away, I had to face many ugly realities over the spring and summer that I had chosen to put on hold while Kaitlyn was with us. A decision I don't regret. I wanted to spend the little time I had left with Kaitlyn being the best mom I could be for her. That meant being happy and making the most of every day for her. She deserved that. 

Quality time

The summer was full of praying, counseling and trying to figure out "What now?". There were good times, there were rough times. I went to church and cried out to God... a lot. He carried me through the storm.

Holding sweet Amber (NPA) at the Niemann-Pick Conference over the summer

Cole and Amber at the conference

Voted into the National Niemann-Pick Disease Foundation Board of Directors!

The fall and winter, I focused on Cole. I watched him grow and learn. I saw life through his eyes. A priceless gift that changed the way I looked at the world and what simple happiness means. God also brought some incredibly amazing people into my life. People who cared for me and actually took care of me. Some of you will understand this, especially those of you who have had a sick child. There was a point when I took care of everyone else and had no one to take care of me. I was fine with that. My priority was taking care of Kaitlyn. It was what it was.

Dachshund races! Cole thought it was hilarious!

Silly times

Merry Christmas!

So here I am at the end of the year. The holidays were surprisingly okay, emotionally for me, without Kaitlyn here. I am realizing that the end of this year has been harder on me than I thought it would be. 

It is a bittersweet end of year for me but I have faith and hope that God will continue to work in my life and that 2013 will be a year filled with blessings.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion." says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

  

A Kaitlyn Christmas

My Kaitlyn Christmas tree covered in her beautiful bows! I even used her pink feather boa as a tree skirt... lol.

Although I know she is always with me, being able to put this together in her memory, makes me feel even closer to her.

As I put the bows on the tree, I remembered specific times she wore each one and all of the significant moments in her short life.

Cole and I watched one of Kaitlyn's favorite movies, Tangled, while I decorated the tree. It was so great hearing the music from the movie and doing this for her.

She may have an empty stocking this year but she now has a whole 4 foot tree of just her! :-)  

On The Other Side

This past Tuesday, I had the opportunity to attend a candlelight vigil and prayer service for a teenage girl, Kayla Campbell (16), who goes to my church and went missing on Sunday. The event was held in front of the Campbells' home and was organized by a neighbor.

The beautiful Miss Kayla Campbell

As many of you know (cause you were there!), our neighborhood held 2 candlelight vigils in front of our house before Kaitlyn passed away.

Two sweeties in front of our home

On Tuesday, it was my turn to be on the other side. Being outside their home and surrounding them with love and prayers was an incredible feeling. It also reinforced how fortunate we were to have a loving community when we needed it.

In front of our home

Although the situations were/are different, I knew exactly what her parents were feeling inside their home as they looked out at neighbors, friends, and church members gathered in support for them.

"Everyday" Kayla

Being on the other side was obviously a little emotional for me, in both good and sorrowful ways. I was fortunate that I was able to talk with Kayla's parents that night and tell them about Kaitlyn and how our neighborhood did the same thing and that I know what it's like to look out that window and see those beautiful lights and yet at the same time, how surreal it is. I also told them about the first time I met Kayla, about a month ago, at church, and how the middle school girls (I volunteer with the MS youth at church) were so excited to see her that they literally tackled her to the ground!

Kayla "Made a Difference" just as Kaitlyn did. This was from a group of students that drew pictures for Kaitlyn.

If you have followed the story, you would know that sadly Kayla's body was found Thursday around 12:15am in a local pond that was drained after they found some of her personal belongings there. Further details have not been released yet, but she is with God and Jesus in Heaven now.

People ask ME "How were you able to get through everything with Kaitlyn?" "How are you okay?".

It's all in perspective.

I can't even begin to imagine what the Campbell family is going through. Yes, with Kaitlyn, it was heartbreaking and devastating to watch her deteriorate in front of my eyes every day. I am so thankful though that I was with her in her last moments, knowing what happened and didn't happen, etc. The Campbell family will forever have questions about those last moments of Kayla's life. My heart is shattered for them. It reinforces the fact that no matter how bad you think things are going on in your life; there is someone out there that is going through something even more difficult.

Please keep Kayla's family in your thoughts and prayers. For those of you who knew her or would like to do something in memory of her, her family has asked that donations be made to our church, Next Level Church.

Here is the most recent article from the Charlotte Observer on Kayla: Charlotte Observer- Kayla Campbell.

A prayer that I always go back to during trying times is: "Father, we believe that when we see you, any suffering that we endured on the face of this earth will be worth it. Help us to understand. And when we cannot understand, help us to trust." 
~ Max Lucado

Coinkidink? I Think Not!

A friend recently sent me a prayer and it spoke to my heart in an amazing way. It is "A Prayer for the Hurting Mom" that was posted on another blog. Of course when I went to find the Facebook message from her, every other message would load EXCEPT for hers. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences. Everything that I have experienced and the ways in which Kaitlyn has and is continuing to impact lives is so incredible that I feel that someone (Devil? Satan?, whatever you believe) is trying everything possible to keep good from happening.

Sorry dude but I'm not giving up! I'll do the opposite and do even greater!

I'm sure many of you, if not all, have experienced something like this in your life at some point in time. When you feel that everything is going right and all of a sudden things and/or people start trying to tear you down or get in the way. To prevent good from happening. Many people give up. I'm not that person. I promise to always find the good and make sure to encourage others to have hope, never give up and persevere. It WILL be worth it. I know it with every ounce of my soul.

By the way, the message is STILL trying to load on Facebook... haha.... I'll wait ALLLLL day if I have to until I get it!   

HA! GOT IT!

Prayer for the Hurting Mom

Dearest Lord,
We come in to your presence on the broken side of glory.  Relationships are in turmoil, lives are uprooted by natural disaster, checkbooks reflect numbers no parent wants to see, kids leave us stressed, loved ones have passed, schedules are over-booked, and energy is waning.

This season is one filled with expectation for your birth.  There is supposed to be joy in gathering and sharing but when life circumstances take life out of us there is struggle to even find the will to prepare.  Around us people around sing of the Holly Jolly Christmas being the best time of the year, and as we listen,  guilt over our sad feelings mount and the energy needed to wear the happy mask leaves moms tired and empty, wondering how to be real.

Lord, meet us in this place.

In the midst of our dreariness there is serenity in your birth story.  Hope is found in brokenness.  Scared parents fall to their knees and trust in less than perfect circumstances {at least from the stand point of the world.}  The Christ child takes His first breath in an uncomfortable stall.  A bright shining star reveals that in your plan significance can be found in unexpected places during the darks of the night.  Blood, sweat, tears, pain, fatigue, they are all predecessors to a mama seeing you for the very first time.

Lord, I pray for mothers everywhere that commune with those feelings.  That feel broken, afraid, misplaced, run down.  I pray that in their exhaustion they too will see your face, feel your magnificence, and smile.  Not the surface-y holly jolly Christmas smile, but the heartfelt grin of a mother who knows life is worth fighting for and that hope is found in seeing your eyes.  It’s awareness that through the tears you meet us and we recognize that we are no longer without hope, but filled with quiet strength that comes in your presence.

This Christmas may we all see you.  Not the stuff, but you.  May the masks come off and relationship with you deepen, knowing that is why you came in the first place and that in this union hurting hearts are mended, energy is restored, and true promise is found. 
Amen

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